I’m going to try to say some kind things to you, and I hope you are in a place you can hear them:
I am very familiar with this feeling - and it’s something that all beginners face. Unfortunately, as [fuel-for-motivation] or [encouragement-to-learn-better] it impedes a lot more than it feeds. Most importantly, if it becomes an emotion that follows you around even when you’re not playing Go, it’s more likely to keep you in the same place rather than allow you to learn.
You just recently started playing again after a long break. Your current rank will take some time to stabilize. I really don’t feel like you are a TPK (twenty plus kyu) at this point. On what do I base this opinion? Well, even though this was long before the OGS rank update, this is what I played like when I was around ~21kyu:
Based on my terrible performance above, I can say confidently that you have a much better understanding of Go fundamentals like
- playing a balanced opening
- direction of play
- transition from opening to midgame
- keeping your stones alive using good shape
- living small and killing groups trying to live small
If you’d like a more in-depth review of your game lined above, I can do that if you like. However, my main take-aways were:
- a 10-12 point loss is a totally respectable game - IMHO it doesn’t feel the same as a 30-50 point loss - I think of it a clean match that came down to little things rather than a big gap in ability / performance
- I’ve always disliked having to deal with the Chinese Opening - because the only way to counter it is throw the Opening > Midgame transition out the window, and start a risky invasion at like Move 6. Unfortunately, playing the standard knight’s approach to the hoshi usually results in your opponent building a moyo from that large extension, which is pretty much how Black won the game above. The fact that you were able to keep the score relatively close speaks well to your abilities.
If you would like to improve, I have some suggestions
Learn a bit more about various Opening strategy, and the transition from Opening to Midgame. I’ve written a couple of articles about this topic, and there’s lots of good stuff on YouTube. Focus on how local decisions can create whole-board positions by using direction of play strategically.
You are good at living small, but you could use more practice in killing groups trying to live small. I personally find doing tsumego as fun as flossing teeth, but it really helps in this area
I highly recommend this collection
Cho Chikun’s Encyclopedia of Life and Death
even though it starts super-basic, IMHO it’s good to just do it from the beginning
To sum up - take heart - give yourself a little kindness - and just give it time. Things will balance out, and you will find a place where you can learn again.