When I began Go I got demoralized really quickly. It was 50-ish games until I won my first match, and I was playing against children. Then again, we were all figuring out the rules, so none among us knew what we were doing. Regardless, I was always on the losing end. Statistically I should have had some wins in there 
. After my first win, it was another 50-ish until I had my second.
Around my 70th match I picked up the AGA book, The Way To Go. Then we all knew how to play, but I simply couldnāt figure out how the game was being scored. It was around my 100th game that I hopped onto OGS. I won a couple of games, but I lost 20 for those two. Finally I read the Chinese rules online and started playing Chinese games. Now that I could count I had a fighting chance. From that point forward I began winning 30% to 40% of my games and I have only improved since.
It feels humiliating to admit this in public, but that was my journey. I donāt know what it was about Go but it truly took me a little while to wrap my head around it. During that time I developed a bit of a complex about losing. My sons shot up to the 20K - 22K ranks pretty fast and I continued to struggle to move past 24K. My rank became such a sore point for me that playing Go felt toxic. I felt like less and I was so flustered and frustrated. I began researching how progression in Go skills worked and looking for conversations on the topic.
During that time I found a Case Study performed on Go players that tried to analyze how playing Go affected the brain. It stated that when emotional states were negative or the brain was frustrated, a players ability would tank. That the type of analytical thinking that Go requires also requires the player to be clear headed and focused. I realized then that the state I was in was probably the biggest hurdle that I faced. The more I looked at advice from better players to new players, the more I saw the pattern of ātake it easyā, ādonāt sweat your rankā, and āyou really donāt learn anything when you win, so donāt sweat your lossesā.
So I stopped playing ranked games for a while, so that I didnāt focus on it anymore. After a little time I would start again. A little bit after I would notice myself getting emotionally attached to my rank and equating itās value to my own capabilities and worth. I had this on and off again relationship with it a while and eventually the advice I had read really sunk in. Now if I catch myself worried about my rank, I will play during times I feel like I cannot give the game my full attention. I do this to tank my rank so that I can stop worrying about losing it. Once it is lost, the feelings subside and I go back to playing matches with little to no care.
Go has been this really crazy ride for me in the sense that it has helped me to learn humility. Iāve been competitive in past hobbies and activities and have enjoyed a lot of success. As Iāve gotten older Iāve tried to get away from that mentality, as I came to realize that to be number one, I had to live a pretty single minded existence. Now that I am older and have a family, I strive to be more flexible and to take things more casually. Old habits die hard though. I still struggle a little here and there with my rank, but Iām happier playing and more interested in Go than I have ever been.
I share this information with you in hopes that if you struggle in any way with your rank, to know that you are not alone. And if you donāt, as a cautionary reminder of what caring about it too much, might lead to if you arenāt able to reign it in 
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