I know exactly what it feels like, @kajmaj87, my symptoms are quite like yours.
Thing is, I joined way too many correspondence tournaments a long time ago when my life was somewhat different and much less stressing … and I don’t like to quit games I have one begun, also don#t want to quit those tournaments that I joined years ago.
I only play correspondence games here, due to time management problems and too much work.
And yes, I know what depression is, better than I’d like to.
But quitting those games and/or tournaments wouldn’t change a thing abt the depression, and I like the folks I’m playing with, so… I stick with ’em, procrastinate with playing and place my moves in the last moment … take “vacation” whenever it’s really necessary, etc.
Letting go of all ambition regarding rank has helped a LOT … and suddenly my rank began improving quickly in a short time (from ~10k to ~6k, shortly even 5k) But I don’t trust it too much … first, because it has become less important to me, and second, since it’s only correspondence games, and since I make extensive use of the analysis function, I simply assume that in reality I’m probably still 10k
Just wanted to let you know that you‘re not alone
Peace and out,
p.s.: And I definitely prefer rated games when ppl are within the nine stones difference because IMHO a clear rank is actually something good and helpful, it’s just that we shouldn’t be obsessed with our rank.